This post is geared toward those who wish their adult children or other family members would join in on holiday gatherings.  So, if that’s you, please read on.  If you’re someone who tends to pass on the holiday gatherings because they don’t feel welcoming, perhaps you can pass this post along to your parent or holiday host as a bit of a nudge.  

This time of year can be difficult to navigate for many.  Holiday gatherings are just one part of that.  Folks may have varying beliefs or worldviews.  Children who are now adults may be living their lives in a way that differs from what their parents envisioned.  Everyone may feel distant and disconnected from the people who make up the holiday gathering.  

If you’re the holiday event planner – the parent, grandparent, aunt, whoever does the work of organizing holiday gatherings and extending the invitations – this post is for you.  I’m going to share some ideas of how you can help make those gatherings more welcoming, creating events and spaces where folks want to gather.  Maybe you can share with other family members to enhance the environment even more.

Before the Event

People have different needs, preferences, and expectations regarding the holidays.  The following are a few tips for things you, as the holiday event planner, can do to set the tone for a welcoming holiday gathering.  

• Make plans clear.  Some of the folks you want to include likely find it easy to adapt and are okay with last-minute details.  Others may need to know the plan at least a few weeks in advance in order to manage scheduling and/or meet the needs of their nervous system.  If you are setting a date and time to gather, clearly announce that to everyone (be sure to include everyone in any group messages).  If you are seeking feedback from folks in order to plan around various schedules, you may want to use something like a Doodle Poll to see what works best for the most people.  Some details you may want to include in your clearly communicated plan:
  • Day and time of gathering, including a suggested end time
  • Location of gathering (any specific house rules for that location, such as not wearing outdoor shoes inside, etc.)
  • Time of meal – helps folks prepare regarding needs for snacks, etc.
  • Will alcohol be present?  Are folks welcome to bring alcohol?
  • Will options for various dietary needs be present?  (vegetarian, vegan, gluten-free, etc.)
  • Are folks requested to bring food/beverage items to contribute to the meal?
  • Are partners and/or children welcome?
  • What is the parking situation?  
• Emphasize respect for one another.  There are sure to be differences present whenever a group of people gather.  You, as the event planner, have the unique opportunity to foster an environment of respect for one another.  This may include considering the varying life situations, food preferences, or sensory needs of those you hope to welcome to your gathering.  Making it clear that all partners (or even a close friend) are welcome to join can go a long way in making folks whose relationship status may look different than your own to feel included.  Providing a variety of food options to meet dietary preferences and needs, or inviting folks to bring something that works for them, is a great way to communicate that their needs matter.  For gatherings where gift exchanges may occur, setting a low price limit or allowing for folks to choose not to participate shows respect for the varying financial situations that may be present.  By keeping the focus on the goal of gathering everyone in a welcoming space, you can shift the focus away from specific differences that may bring division.  
• Curate spaces to meet various needs.  Gathering a group of people means that a variety of personalities and sensory needs will be present.  You can make an effort as the event planner to ensure there are spaces for those needs to be met.  Perhaps one room or area will be designated as a “quiet space.”  This can be great for those – adults or children – who may feel overstimulated or simply need a break from the crowd.  If possible, you might consider having some blankets or pillows available, or even a few books or puzzles to make the quiet space welcoming.  Some folks prefer constant action and might enjoy more robust board games or even yard activities.  So, if possible, you can consider making opportunities for these types of interactions.  You can set the tone and normalize that not everyone is expected to be participating in the same things all throughout the gathering.  

Some Ground Rules

What happens once everyone has gathered?  How do you help encourage everyone to interact and enjoy their time together?  The following are some ideas for “ground rules” you may want to consider communicating in order to ensure all guests are able to enjoy the experience.  

• Have a plan for “hot potato” topics, such as politics and religion.  These are topics that can be very meaningful to individuals, yet are also topics that can create an atmosphere that is less-than-welcoming.  The viewpoints of those in attendance will likely influence how you choose to handle this, but it’s important to have a plan.  Some ideas include:
  • Requesting no discussion of politics and/or religion during the meal (or during the entire gathering).
  • Offer some conversation starters to help folks interact, while not focusing on those “hot potato” topics.  Here is a link to 250 ideas for conversation starters to get you started.  You may even want to print or write these out on notecards and place them around the table/room to encourage conversation.  
  • Identify certain areas of the gathering space as open for political and/or religious discussion.  This allows folks to self-select whether they want to engage in those conversations or not.  
• Acknowledge that everyone may not pray before meals.  This may not be a concern for your particular gathering.  But for many groups/families, there are differences in religious beliefs and practices which may include prayer before meals.  One way to include all in giving gratitude for food and time together is to extend an invitation, rather than an expectation.  This may include saying something like, “I invite you all to join me in a moment of gratitude for this time together and the meal we are about to enjoy.  You are welcome to join me in a prayer, or to silently express your appreciation in your own way.”  
• Avoid the “food police.”   The “food police” refers to all the food-and-body-related comments that often accompany holiday gatherings.  Things like: “I shouldn’t eat this” or “I didn’t eat all day so I could enjoy this meal” or “Are you sure you should be going back for seconds?” or “Children should try a bit of everything.”  These comments can place a thundercloud over an otherwise wonderful gathering.  As the event planner and/or host, I encourage you to make it clear that food and body comments are not welcome at your gathering.  This frees up space for each individual to focus on their own food choices, and those of any children for whom they are personally responsible.  Why is this important?
  • Many foods that are part of holiday celebrations are special partially because they are associated with those holidays and traditions.  The freedom to enjoy them is part of the celebration.
  • Judgement from others takes away the joy of a gathering.
  • Comments about “earning” food or not eating all day are associated with disordered eating.  These comments are far too normalized in our society, and we can do our part to remove them from our celebrations.  
  • Holiday gatherings can be a lot for children.  A different place, lots of different people, different foods – it can be stressful.  Making demands on what a child eats during the gathering only adds to the stress, and takes away from the experience of joy.
• If it isn’t causing harm, let it go.  There are many things that can become a point of contention in our interactions with others.  Someone may parent differently than you would.  Your adult child may have a relationship that looks different than what you would choose.  Some family members may want to engage in activities, from watching football to playing music together, that aren’t interesting to you.  By setting some ground rules and curating space for different needs, you can free yourself to abide by the mantra, “if it’s not harming anyone, let it go.”  

Throughout the Year

The welcoming environment of a holiday gathering is not created solely on the day of the event.  Intentional effort is required throughout the year to build relationships and help people feel truly valued, so they want to come to your holiday gathering.  

What can you do throughout the year to build a foundation for a welcoming holiday gathering?  

• Communicate.  Texts, phone calls, voice messages, DMs, sharing memes, meeting in person.  There are so many ways to communicate with people these days.  Yet, far too often, I hear from adults who rarely hear from their parents / family members all year.  Then, when they receive a seemingly random message with the expectation they attend an already planned gathering, they experience feelings of disconnection and obligation.  Maintaining communication throughout the year can build the relationship and make folks feel truly excited to join in when invited to gather.
• Show interest in the things that are important to those you want to include.    One of the most powerful ways to show someone you care about them and to communicate that you value them is to show interest in what is important to them.  Do you have a child who has passionately pursued a hobby?  Ask questions and take the time to listen when they share about what they’re doing.  Have a grandchild who loves a particular game or musician?  Be genuinely curious about what they like and why.  I’ve talked with so many adults who feel like their parents or other family members don’t care about their lives because no one ever asks about their interests.  Or, they ask a question out of obligation, but don’t take the time to truly listen to the answer and seek to understand more about the individual.  When a human feels valued, they want to show up and engage with those who have shown they care.  

We’re entering the week of Thanksgiving here in the US, and heading into a season filled with multiple holidays that may include family gatherings.  I hope you can utilize some of these ideas to help create gathering opportunities that are welcoming to a variety of people.  These tips may even help create an environment that improves the overall relationships within your family group.  

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Michelle F. Moseley is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor in NC. She believes ALL people deserve respect, compassion, and access to mental and physical healthcare. Michelle specializes in working with survivors of religious trauma and with those who have body image concerns, finding there is frequent overlap in these areas. You can learn more about Michelle by visiting her website at MichelleFMoseley.com or following her on Instagram – @therapy_with_michelle 

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