Grief is the response you have to the loss of something or someone important to you.  

Grief may include intense emotional pain, a sense of anguish, questioning, rage, and any variety of other responses too numerous to list.  Sometimes grief is expected – perhaps at the death of an elderly family member.  Sometimes grief comes on like a tidal wave – in a place or at a time when you least expect it.  Grief can seem like the experience that will never end, or it can be the reaction that you’re encouraged to ‘get over.’

There may not be much certainty related to the experience of grief, but the complexity of grief is without doubt.

Stages of Grief

You may have heard someone refer to the “stages of grief.”  This is a common part of any discussion around grief.  The referenced “stages” include the following:  

• Denial – Not believing the loss is real.  Not acknowledging that you are grieving.
• Anger – Being annoyed or infuriated that the loss occurred. 
• Bargaining – Attempts at negotiation (with self, others, higher power, etc.) in an effort to deal with the loss.
• Depression – Intense sadness related to the loss.
• Acceptance – Acknowledgement of the loss and what that means in your life.

But grief rarely, if ever, looks like a linear experience of these so-called “stages.”  

The original person to document these “stages of grief” was Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, and her work was focused on the experience of those with chronic illnesses as they dealt with the fact of their own approaching death.  These “stages” were not meant to describe the grieving process as a whole.  In fact, it has been said that Kubler-Ross later indicated that she wished she had not used the wording “stages of grief” because, even for those she studied, the experience was not linear.  

Grief may include the previous reactions – denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.  It also may include a variety of other reactions, including dissociation, distracting, meditation, advocacy, etc.  The complexity of grief means that the experience will vary from person to person and situation to situation.  Grief will rarely – maybe never – be a linear thing where particular “stages” wrap up nicely in a bow.  

Types of Grief

Grief is one’s reaction to a loss of something/someone important to them, and these reactions can vary.  The types of losses can vary just as much.  We often may think of death of a beloved person or pet when we consider grief.  But let’s take a moment to consider some of the other types of grief that you may experience in life.  

Disenfranchised Grief

Disenfranchised grief refers to the experience when a person’s loss is not acknowledged or accepted by their community, or by social norms of their culture.  Some examples of disenfranchised grief include:

• Missing out on a milestone life event.  Many folks experienced this as part of the Covid-19 pandemic and related shutdowns.  Students missed out on sports seasons, proms, and graduation ceremonies.  Engaged couples missed out on having the wedding they had planned.  For some, these missed events were acknowledged, but others were left to deal with a loss that those around them didn’t consider important.
• Death of a same sex partner within a context/culture that is not affirming.  The death of a partner is difficult.  However, for someone who is surrounded by a community or culture where the relationship was not recognized, or was even condemned, the loss comes with an extra layer of isolation in their grief.  
• Pregnancy loss.  This type of loss may occur before the pregnant person has shared their news with others, leaving them to mourn the experience alone.  Until recent years, pregnancy loss was something that was very rarely discussed, even amongst friends or family, so many folks were left to handle their grief with no acknowledgement from others. This continues to be the case for many, depending on their circumstances. 
• Living a life that looks much different than what you envisioned.  Many of us spent time during childhood envisioning what our adult life would be like.  From the type of home we wanted, to possible jobs, and family structures, we had some idea of how things would be.  When the life you’re living doesn’t look anything like that vision, you may experience disenfranchised grief.  This can get particularly complex if you’re also receiving messages that you “should be thankful for what you do have.”  

Disenfranchised grief leaves an individual not only facing a loss, but doing so in a context with little to no support.  If you experience disenfranchised grief, you may not be able to share your grief with others for reasons varying from lack of acceptance of the loss to fear for your personal safety.  

Grief When The Choice Was Yours

Sometimes we are faced with making decisions to leave a situation, relationship, or community.  We choose to no longer have those people in our lives.  So, it can feel quite confusing if we experience sadness or a sense of loss related to no longer having something we chose to give up.  

This is a common experience for those who have experienced an abusive relationship, regardless of the context.  An individual may choose to leave a partner who has exerted power and control over them for years.  This individual may know in their mind that ending this relationship is necessary for their health, or even life.  Yet, they may also grieve the moments when things were good, when they felt connected to their partner, or when they were making memories together.  

This type of grief is also common for folks who have left high-control religious situations.  While there may be relief of no longer having to deal with the power dynamics or spiritual harm, there can also be sadness and anger related to the loss of an important community.  It can be an unsettling experience to acknowledge that your church or organization was both a source of meaning, purpose, and connection, while also allowing for abuse of power and for harm to occur.  

There are times we must leave situations, relationships, or communities for a wide variety of reasons.  It’s important to remember that you are still allowed to grieve the loss of something, even if you chose to leave it behind.

Grief When There Is No Closure

Another complex grief experience occurs when there is a loss without any type of closure.  Some examples of this type of grief include:

• The end of an experience without acknowledgement or ceremony.
• The drifting away of a friend when there was no identifiable reason.
• The death of a person or pet when there is no opportunity for ceremony or ritual to say farewell.

The human brain craves categories and closure.  When something important ends without any acknowledgement, our brains are left with a sense of unfinished business.  This is one of the reasons that most cultures have traditions to mark various aspects of life, including death.  

To be facing a loss without an option for closure is another way that the complexity of grief can show up.  

Grief When the Person is Still Living

The loss of important people in our lives does not only occur at death.  Sometimes the loss comes while that person is still very much alive.  

Watching a loved one deal with chronic illness can lead to grieving their loss during their life.  Witnessing a formerly active person lose the use or control of their body can lead to grieving.  Interacting with a loved one who has dementia or another illness that has taken their memory or personality often elicits grief for who that person once was.  

Grief also tends to be strong when you realize that a person you love is not capable of being the person you need them to be in your life.  I have supported many folks who were invested in improving a relationship in their lives – parent, sibling, partner, friend.  We may have spent months, or even years, focused on ways to be more aware of their own boundaries and needs, or to communicate more effectively with the other person.  Yet, at some point, the realization occurs that the other person is either not able, or not willing, to show up in the way that is needed. 

This is a difficult realization.  It generally comes with lots of questions and decisions, all surrounded by grief.  There is grief of who you wanted / needed the person to be, which can be especially difficult if the person is a parent or was an adult caregiver when you were a child.  There is grief related to accepting that this person is not able to be present in your life in the way you desire.  Grief also comes with considering decisions of how to move forward in regards to interactions with this person.  

It’s certainly complex to experience the grief of losing someone while that person is still living.   

Grief and Gratitude Can Co-exist

Grief is our response to the loss of something or someone deemed important in our lives.  

Gratitude is a feeling of appreciation for what we have in our lives.  

Gratitude can also be a sense of appreciation for experiences we’ve had in our lives previously.  

Grief and gratitude are not mutually exclusive.  The can co-exist in the same person, and in the same moment.  

You may find yourself both grieving the loss of a beloved pet, and experiencing gratitude for the time you spent enjoying life together.  

You may grieve the experience of abuse that led you to leaving a relationship or community, and be grateful that you found the strength to be able to move forward in your life.  

You may be grieving that your parent cannot be emotionally available for you, and experience gratitude that you have invested time and energy in doing the work to connect with your own emotions and find emotionally available community.  

You may be grieving the years you lost to battling with the size or shape of your body, and be grateful that you’re able to learn a new way to relate to food and your body now.  

The simultaneous experience of grief and gratitude may be one of the most complex aspects of grief.  Yet, it is part of the human experience.  Grief is not linear and it doesn’t happen in “stages.” It can come at you fast and furious, or it can linger around like a puddle after heavy rains.  

Support For Grief

Some cultures or communities have specific grief rituals to face loss, particularly death.  Here in the US, the majority of us don’t do a great job at allowing space for grief to exist.  There are some losses we never get over.  We may not talk about it everyday.  We may be able to continue with life’s demands in a way that looks “normal” from the outside.  But grief doesn’t go away.  In fact, I don’t even know that it shrinks as time passes in the way many talk about.  In reality, it’s more like we grow around the grief.  It’s always there, but not always center stage.  

What are some options to find support and to help yourself integrate your grief into your life?

• Grief rituals.  A ritual of some type can help in the grieving process.  Depending on the person and the loss, this may be formal or informal, public or private, and may or may not include some type of religious or spiritual focus.  Rituals can include:  burial services, discarding of materials/reminders, listening to certain music, visiting particular locations, or creating art that represents your grieving journey.  
• Acknowledging the loss.  Sometimes we avoid thinking about or mentioning a loss, as though that will mean the grief is not there.  It is important to acknowledge loss in your own life – to name who/what has been lost and to allow yourself to experience your reactions to that loss.  It can also be important to remember that not mentioning a loss doesn’t make it any less real.  A mother (not a client) who experienced the death of her young adult child once told me, “I’m always aware that [he] is gone.  When others mention him, it reminds me he was important to them too.”  
• Grief support.  If available, it may be helpful to connect with grief support groups in your area.  Local hospitals or hospice organizations may be able to connect you with support if your loss was related to death of a loved one due to illness.  Organizations related to your particular loss – pregnancy loss, LGBTQ+ related losses, divorce, loss of pet, etc. – may be able to connect you with options for applicable grief support resources.  For those who are grieving losses related to leaving high-control religious settings, connecting with others via support groups such as those offered by Reclamation Collective can be helpful.  
• Therapy.  Working with a trained mental health therapist who understands the varieties of grief and the complexities of the grieving process can be helpful.  Individual therapy can provide devoted time to focus on acknowledging your loss and the impacts of the loss in your life.  You can work together to determine how to best support your grieving process, while allowing room for whatever responses might be part of that journey.  

We all experience grief in our lives.  Sometimes it comes from expected sources.  Sometimes it arrives without warning.  There are types of losses that are widely recognized by others, and types of losses that may leave us alone with our grieving.  If you’re grief doesn’t happen in “stages” and if the experience sometimes feels overwhelming, rest assured, that is a typical part of the complexity of grief.  

I help folks journey through their process of grief.  Frequently, my work focuses on grief related to body image and disordered eating, or grief related to religious harm and the losses that come with deconstruction.  For those located in NC, and interested in connecting with a mental health counselor, I invite you to take a moment to complete this contact form and I’ll be in touch regarding scheduling a free, 15-minute consultation to see if we might be a good fit for working together.  

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Michelle F. Moseley is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor in NC. She believes ALL people deserve respect, compassion, and access to mental and physical healthcare. Michelle specializes in working with survivors of religious trauma and with those who have body image concerns, finding there is frequent overlap in these areas. You can learn more about Michelle by visiting her website at MichelleFMoseley.com or following her on Instagram – @therapy_with_michelle 

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